The other night I was doing my usual cat sitting gig — which basically means I eat through other people’s fridges and watch all their tivo — when I got to thinking. My noggin was swelling with thoughts about the popularity and realism of America’s favorite foursome — the SEX AND THE CITY ladiez. Blah blah blah, I know this is old news to most of you, and that whenever I talk about them I sound like a deranged “Sex and the City” tour guide standing outside of Magnolia’s screaming at the top of my lungs about which overweight midwesterner on the bus most resembles Carrie — she’s the real glue to the group ya know! However, while I was watching old reruns the other night what really got me going was Samantha — and not in the sexy way she’s supposed to. That’s because I had a really hard time being convinced that any of the men that walk in and out of my life would be attracted to such a….oh what’s the word…strong? sexy?…intelligent?…what about overpowering?…intimidating…and pushy woman. Hey, I’m not putting down Samantha Jone’s, patron saint of empowered horny women everywhere, but I am saying that there are not a lot of men I know who would willingly take on such a lady. And so I want to know how Samantha Blow Job Jones ever got laid in her twenties?
Especially since as of late there is the annoying trend of grown ass women acting like little girls. Oh what who me? Oh no you couldn’t be speaking of me, the girl with the MA in library science, who likes to wear bobby socks, and her hair in pigtails and who wrote her thesis on Twightlight vs, The Hunger Games. Yeah I’m talking about you bitch and I can not take any more of your twisted type of demur behavior. STOP GIGGLING FROM BEHIND YOUR HAND!
Come on ladies, I need a guy who will be able to take me out to dinner, who will offer to pay not because he’s a sexist douche bag but because that’s what adults do when they ask you out. I need a guy that likes a lady who can give him a hard time, and will give me one back (Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracey style with out the secret adultery/alcoholism thing). I need a guy that likes a woman who has her own money, her own opinions, and her own ability to orgasm. And let’s face it, we’re not going to make room for the Samantha Jone’s of the world if you are going to continue wearing baby tees, crocheting unicorns and speaking in mumble core esque decibels about what you want. There is a vicious circle going on where men in their twenties/thirties are afraid of sexual women, and thus women seem to be afraid of being sexual.
Until we change I’m afraid I’ll get stuck with what’s hanging out in the burg these days — left overs from the McKibben lofts, guys who are waiting to validate their own lost-ness with yours. If we can’t be out, loud and proud about own sexual prowess then we are going to get stuck with dudes who can’t either, and that means I’ll continue to have the unfortunate sex I’ve been having which is no way for a woman of my caliber to live. So let’s all grow a spine and lead by example so that the boys, ahem men(?) can catch up.